1. I want to quit my job and ride all the ponies and watch all the lessons.
2. I want to quit my responsibilities and ride all the ponies and watch all the lessons.
3. I want to quit my life because it doesn't currently have enough ponies.
I've had a lot of internal turmoil over these past few months, and while the root cause is realistically something unrelated (and has nothing to do with anyone but myself) the fact of the matter is that I am never happier than when I'm at the barn or at a horse show. This is something that continues to become ever clearer, and has led to a mental loop that goes...
- I like ponies SO MUCH.
- What can I do to make ponies my lyfe?
- I really don't want to be a groom.
- I like riding ponies.
- I suck too much at riding to be a professional rider.
- I should become a much better rider AND THEN become a professional!
- I only have one horse, jesus this is going to be a long road.
- I should find more horses to ride.
- HOW DO I DO THIS.
- I should talk to Trainer.
- WHAT IF TRAINER THINKS I AM TOO TERRIBLE TO RIDE ANYTHING.
- I should really grow some balls.
(spoiler alert: I haven't grown balls yet.)
- Shit now Trainer left for a month AND I STILL HAVEN'T TALKED TO HIM ABOUT RIDING MORE PONIES OR FLORIDA OR LITERALLY ANYTHING AND I AM GOING NOWHERE IN LIFE.
And so the cycle perpetuates and becomes more and more painful as time goes on.
I think I might have broken in half about it on Monday, and when chatting with a horsey friend, I spat it all out. Which is new and interesting since I've not exactly released this free flying mental loop into the wild before now, but she's a non-judgey type and it was all I could think about and, well, out it came.
Me: <weepily> Ihatemylifewannarideponiescan'tdoitanymore <gulping sob> TrainerthinksIsuckatridingIsuckatridingnevergonnagetanywhere.
Friend: Um.... what?
Me: <explains self>
Friend: I know <so and so> at <insert well known farm name here> who's looking for a rider. So. Let me make a phone call.
Friend: Also I have five horses that I want ridden so have at it.
So that kind of perked me up. Waiting to hear on that but I suppose it just goes to show, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
Even if this doesn't pan out (and I don't think it will, but I guess you never know) it seems like a decent start, a spark that might actually set the flame alight.
I went out Tuesday after giving Riley (and myself!) a couple of days off. My neck is WAY better now thanks to three chiropractic visits and a very skilled massage therapist. Riley was very very good and we basically just worked on stretching and forward and quietness and transitions within the gaits. He was super attentive and felt loose and oozy after a long stretching warmup. Occasionally I forget he is a horse that, while he can survive and thrive on a quick warmup, really feels at his most shining if he has about 20 minutes to do a lot of stretchy, forward walking and trotting, some leg yielding and haunches/shoulder ins, and some time to just canter around like a hunter before we start doing any real work.
Cute-face in the wash rack, just before the storm blew in.