Thursday, 10 July 2014

A little of this, a little of that

I have some great lesson posts to make after two lovely, and intense, days spent with Trainer, who drifted off to Aachen yesterday.  But more on that later.

I have a little down time right now - down time that has left me busier than I'd like, but still with some time to think.  But since I'm traveling and thus unable to spend my customary many, many daily hours at the barn, my thoughts have wandered.  And I guess since this is *my* blog and I'm trying to figure out ways to firm up my lady balls, what the hell.

My pet pleasure over the past, I don't know, six months has been clicking on and actually reading peoples' horse-related blogs, usually in their signature lines on the Chronicle Forums.  During the Everlasting Winter where it seemed like WEF lasted some 900 years (presumably because I wasn't there for all of it... that would be the entirety of WEF minus four days) I got my WEF-tastic fix from any source that mentioned it, including several blogs.  I first became seriously hooked on The Working Rider, which started out as an ammy hunter rider's first sojourn to the Winter Equestrian Festival. I swear I drank in every word in those posts like it was a glass of water after three days in the desert.  This led me to a few other blogs as well, another of my favorites quickly becoming She Moved To Texas.  The author originally hooked me in with her beautiful photos of hunters and jumpers at WEF and then I started to follow seriously.  She writes a great blog with a lot of interesting material.

Anyway, a recent post on She Moved To Texas got me thinking about the things that we put on the Internet.  This blog has next to nothing in the way of dedicated readers - something which I've done quite consciously.  I haven't even told many people I actually know and only told them hesitantly.  And why? In the past, I kept a blog about all things dumb - horse related or not - that went on in my life and it did well enough.  But at some point over the past five or six years, I've become painfully private about pretty much everything.

The question is: to what end? Now, I've gone so far to protect my privacy, and my true thoughts and feelings about certain things, that I genuinely feel that nobody knows who I am.  I project different sides of myself to different people.  I am afraid to show my societally unacceptable flaws for fear of judgement, whispering, criticism, and gossip.  Afraid to share my opinions in any meaningful way and constantly editing. This world of social media, where one's every thought and pedantic feeling can be tracked, is repulsive to me, and seems so narcissistic.  So I've pulled back. In the face of an onslaught, don't add to it, I suppose.

But here we are today - and here I am, writing this with the only reason being "because I can."  I guess I'm getting tired of hiding who I am, of editing my life so much so as not to be offensive or make a mistake, or for fear of being made fun of.  And so: despite the fact that I know anyone in the world could read this, and maybe they will, who knows? - I'm going to write down some truths.

The first being a scary thing to admit because I think many people will laugh at me: I want to ride Grand Prix jumpers.  And as someone currently really terrified of showing at 1.10m it seems laughable... but it's my dream.

I want a job, career, whatever within the equine industry. I don't know what that job is, just yet.  I don't know if it would (or should) involve riding horses.  But I really don't do well without a pretty much 24/7 horsey fix.

I want to ride for a European trainer, in Europe, and soak up every iota of wisdom I possibly can.

I want to ride, show, help, whatever! at WEF... I know, doesn't everyone? I'm still not sure of how to make this happen. This is rather concerning for me (FWP alert!), and I feel a little subdued by some of the feedback I've gotten - namely "omg, you would HATE being a working student!"  Which doesn't even begin to consider the logistical issues. Ugh.

And these are all things I've been afraid to put into the universe.  Horsey dreams and hopes.  It's my great wish that my blog acts as a vision board - which, incidentally, I've had pretty good results from, and highly recommend for anyone seeking to improve their life (or just have really nice pictures to look at...)  Since I made mine, back in January, there have been a lot of things that have come to fruition.  Naturally this has involved hard work along with expense and planning, but it's still interesting.  My therapist is big on putting your dreams and aspirations out in the open and seeing what happens.  So what the hell?

6 comments:

  1. It's really scary to write out statements like that, and I can definitely relate. I used to be all "I'll just be happy to show 2'6" local" but I admit it's not the case anymore. Still, the moment I say "I want to do the low adults" half my barn mates would turn into critics and doubters (at least in my mind). Glad you commented the other day so now I can enjoy your blog as well! Thanks for the kind words about mine.

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    1. I totally know what you mean! I feel like every time I consider moving up, my barn mates are supportive but I always wonder what they're really thinking. Ugh. It's annoying to have big dreams - no matter what they are, low adult hunters or the high A/Os - and think of people disparaging them when you spend so much time on them. Really glad to see you over here btw, didn't expect that but whee having followers is fun! :)

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  2. You go girl!
    Get you writing down these goals - i have no doubt you will put your all into achieving them. From the posts of yours i have read thus far, your determination & bravery is laid bare for all to see.
    You are inspirational!
    When (not if) you make it to Europe, be sure to let me know and if it is achievable for me to come meet you or bring you to me - we will sort it out! :)

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    1. Haha thank you, you're much too kind! *blush* And it's a plan! :)

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  3. Might as well lay it out there. Best wishes in the pursuit!

    I used to keep a personal blog. As I've grown older, I found that I like sharing the horsey side of my life publicly. I keep the rest to myself and close personal friends.

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    1. Yeah. I hear you there. I don't think this will ever become much of a personal blog... while I'm pursuing the whole "lay it out there" thing, I don't think I'll ever get THAT far with it. And I think that's for the best!

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